As a freelancer I sometimes work from coffee shops. The coffee is always a little better than I can make myself, the wifi is free and the people watching… well.. let me just tell you.
To the girl on a date:
Honey, please chew with your mouth closed. I don’t know where your mom, girlfriends or grandma have been all your life, but oh my… no one likes to see the food moving around in your mouth – especially the boy across the table. Yes, I said boy.. girl.. take a LOOK! He has his hat on backwards in a restaurant and he didn’t take his sunglasses off – my guess – he is checking out the other girls walking by in their short, barely there, shorts. I mean goodness – even I looked.
To the girls with the short shorts.
Did I ever wear shorts that short? I mean whoa! No one needs or wants to see your “new” ragged shorts that are so short your pockets are hanging out. I hope you didn’t pay good money for those.
To the table of 16 year olds behind me.
I don’t know that you are 16, but I am guessing – Some of you may be 14. It is not cool to talk really loudly about how awful your mom is in public. “I mean dang, she always wants to know where I am… she used ALL CAPS on her text. Don’t yell at me” PS kids, she is your mom and it is her right to know where you are. At least she is raising you and buying you those short shorts you love to wear. I hope one day your kids talk really loudly about you in a coffee shop to their friends.
To the man in gym shorts and a jersey tank top.
Seriously? Gym clothes like that in public? If you are over 50 – don’t dye your hair Rick Flair blonde and if you have a “bald spot” you should NOT let your hair be long and spikey… we all see your bald spot and yes spikey is a word. You are not doing some magic hiding job with the spiked up gel mess.
and finally… To the cute boy beside me.
I am taken, so I am not interested in anything more than letting you know that you are dressed very well in your suit and cuff links! I know you noticed the screaming kids and crazy teenagers by those laughs we have quickly silently exchanged before we looked back down to our computers. If I had one thing to say to you it would be… thank you for being another normal person in my coffee shop – are you single? I have CUTE friends!